The Fine Line

Disappointment sucks.  There is no doubt about it.  But once you are able to dig down deep (and I mean you gotta dig sometimes) beneath the gut-wrenching feeling of being disappointed, you can actually see that you are presented with an opportunity.  Failure is just another means of figuring out what doesn’t work, right?  Another way to give yourself a fresh start.

There is always a fine line between pleasure and pain.  A fine line between anything meaningful.  A fine line between good and bad.  Winning and losing.  Love and hate.  Disappointment and opporutunity….you get the point. I have actually thought about this concept A LOT lately.

I ran the Brooklyn Half yesterday and you know what?  I gave it everything I had.  I did.  And boy was I bad.  Very bad.  Very, very bad.  That can be an extremely humbling experience.  Especially when you’ve put in the training and you set out thinking you were going to do pretty well.  I thought I was capable of around a 1:26-1:27 and I ended up with a 1:32.  Ugh. 

I was literally nauseous for a good part of the day about it.  At about the 5K mark today I knew I didn’t have it.  My legs felt like lead and my breathing was labored.  In fact my breathing was labored pretty much most of the run.  I totally gutted this one out.  It hurt.  My two friends (or groupies if you will) Meredith and Sharon were awesome.  Despite throwing me off a little because they weren’t in the spots they said they’d be in, they were great.  And I appreciated that support much more than I can put into words.  There is something really powerful about silent communication, you know?  I hope they know just how much I appreciated it.  Even if I couldn’t’ smile for the camera!

From about mile 8 to mile 11, I labored next to one of my running buddies and I knew he was suffering as badly as I was and just to be there next to him knowing we were both dealing with pain was comforting in a weird kind of way.  Silent communication.  Though sometimes silent communication can be torture…but that’s more in “relationship-y and feelings type” situations.  I actually wish people would speak more about how they really felt, despite how complex, evolving and dynamic those feelings might be.  I could spend a lifetime talking about that, although I would bore most people to tears.  Anyway…

So at about the 10K mark of the race I began trying to piece together what went wrong and what measures I could take to fix it.  At the end of the race I had a moment of “what is this all about anyway…maybe I will just give it up.” And that lasted all of 4 seconds before I said “hell no…I don’t quit at anything when the going gets tough.  I just need to figure out a way to improve.  I need to start doing things a little or maybe even a lot differently than I am accustomed to doing. them”  What those “different” things are…well that’s yet to be determined because frankly I don’t even know where to begin.  I have some ideas.  My good friend Jamie has made significant strides in her running over the last year and I need to start picking her brain a little more about what she does.  Shoot she ran a 1:25 half today and a 3:06 Boston just for fun!!!  I may need to ramp down the mileage.  Maybe my body just can’t handle it.  Obviously my weight is a constant theme and concern in my life – I just need to find the right weight for me to achieve the best results that I can and to feel good about myself.  I also realized that this race mirrored many of my recent tempo training runs.  Perhaps it could be a pacing issue for me also.  I’m wondering if I need a few more mile repeat workouts too?  That’s how I bettered my times in the past.  I will continue to strive to improve in every way possible.  The end.  And when I improve…I will find ways of improving even more.  That’s the cool thing about it!

I am 38 years old and many people may wonder what it’s all for…why do I do what I do?  I actually sense that from some people I come across.  Heck from time to time I even wonder it myself.  Well here’s why (not that I need to explain myself to anyone…more for clarification for myself):  I don’t ever think it’s too late in life to set new goals.  I think it’s a shame if one doesn’t set out to achieve some pre-set goal in whatever area of interest floats his/her boat.  To strive to be extraordinary or even above average in something you are passionate about or talented in…that to me is what life’s all about.  Whatever your idea and definition of greatness is, go after it.  Why not?  Who cares if you are 52, 18, 94 or even 38? 

Oy vey Brooklyn!  Until we meet again….

#BostonStrong

I don't even really know where to begin.  I have been wanting to write about my Boston Marathon 2013 experience but  I haven't been able to bring myself to the keyboard until now.  There are so many sub-stories that I could tell amongst the big picture story that in time I may share.  So many wonderful and funny moments that took place in the days before the marathon - from reuniting with Cynthia in Providence to the day before shakeout run in Taunton with my family and my trip to the expo.  From dinner with Meredith the night before and capturing every moment in the morning of the marathon on film to the amazing bus ride with the Wamps to Hopkinton...It was all so great.  I was so proud to be a part of the 27,000 qualified participants to be running the 117th Boston Marathon.

I knew April 15 2013 was destined to be a memorable day...How could it not be?  I was running my first ever Boston Marathon (against all odds) with my dad (who has completed 18 consecutive Boston Marathons by the way), my dear friend Cynthia, and all the special people I run with in NYC including Dean who is pictured above.  Cheering me on at Mile 26 would be one of my best friends dating back to college who has been one of my top supporters through the years.  I just didn't know how powerfully tragic and emotional these memories would be.  Not a day has gone by since the horrible tragedy that I don't break down at some point and cry for the events that happened as well as the "just misses" and the "could have beens."

I ran the Boston Marathon against all odds and I finished with a more-than-respectable time of 3:20 (which just so happened to be a PR) for the minimal training I was able to get in around my injurious road to the starting line.  It must have been my "PR moves" as we made our way to the corral, right Cynthia?  One of those you had to be there moments....Every effort I would make at a dynamic stretch on our way to the starting corrals (after my stress fest in the porta potty line I may add that Cynthia kept me in check about), Cynthia would look at me and say "That's a PR move right there..."  I still chuckle about it.

On my way to the corral, I see my dad and he sees me, comes over and gives me a hug.  It was awesome to see him.  I get in my corral and his Wamp friends find me and hang with me until the gun goes off.  I had gathered from them their goal pacing strategy and thought it sounded good.  The first mile there was sheer bottleneck, clogging.  Actually for the first few miles.  I kept asking my dad's friend Kevin, "when will this open up?  WHEN WILL THIS OPEN UP?"  Once it started opening up, I was realizing that I felt unbelievable.  We were all moving faster than we had predicted, but I felt totally in control.  For 13 miles I felt like a million bucks.  I was breathing easy and had absolutely, positively NO PAIN in my shin or heel.  I couldn't believe it.  NO FREAKING PAIN. It was my first pain free run in months.  Just the day before on our little shake out jog, I felt it in my shin and was stressed (to say the least) about Marathon Monday.  The combination of adrenalin and Dr. Minara's EPAT treatments and care for the last few months had me in the best shape I could be in that day.  I was thrilled.  I smiled so many times for long stretches on end.  The crowds were absolutely amazing.  Words do no justice to the crowds at Boston.  None.  They seriously pull you along.  It's unreal.  I remember at one point someone had Dirty Water blaring and I was fist pumping to the song.  It was awesome!!!  Once we hit Wellesley at the half marathon mark, I started to go into a bit of a lull.  It lasted about 2 miles...maybe until we hit Wellesley College - those women were absolute saints.  Holy crap...I loved every bit of that stretch and it gave me a some life...a little pick me up.  Mid-way up the second major hill in Newton I was starting to feel it in my legs.  Ouch.  I thought to myself on several occasions, "This is going to hurt tomorrow boy."  I actually slowed my pace purposely on the hills because I had no interest in pulling a muscle and limping to the finish.  As I approached Mile 20 I went into a mini-depression thinking "I really don't feel like running 6.2 more miles...ugh"  But I knew that Kenmore crowds and the road to the finish would carry me so I pulled myself out of the depression pretty quickly.  As I reached Mile 21 I remember reading a sign that said "Top of Heart Break Hill, You Made It"  That gave me some pep in the step knowing the worst was over.  My quads were ripped to shreds and all the downhills were brutal from that moment on out but I knew the worst was over and that was all that mattered at that point.  It's the little things.  I remember seeing twizzlers being handed out around that time too and remember Meredith eating twizzlers last year.  I chuckled.  As I passed through Mile 22 I thought, "only 4 to go kid...you love that distance."  Then I would count down.  "Only three more....I want to savor this a little.  I'm not suffering"  As I came down the stretch on Commonwealth Ave and Charles Gate I actually felt myself pick it up.  I had about a mile and change to go and I was still feeling strong...relatively speaking.  I felt stronger than I had at that point than in any of my other three marathons.

Over the course of the last 6 miles I would imagine everything I had been through.  I would think of that boot I had to wear.  The 40 straight nights of a bone stimulator on my leg, all of the lifting and abs I did in the winter months following Manchester, my hours on the Alter G...All of it would flood into my mind.  I could vividly see the gym floor with all the planks I did.  I could vividly remember the feeling of those tight shorts on the Alter G....it's part of what kept me going.  All the blood, sweat and tears that got me to that point.

"Holy crap!  I have a shot at 3:19, the time I had in my heart that I knew I could get."  I made the right onto Hereford and then the left onto Boyleston and it was sheer excitement and mayhem.  Deafening crowds.  So awesome.  I picked it up as best I could.  I kept glancing at my watch...secretly hoping that I started it late.  I crossed the finish line, clicked the button to stop my watch and looked down.  3:20:13.  I found out later, I did start it late.  A hundredth of a second late.  Ha.  Final time - 3:20:12.  I crossed that line, put my hands in the air and started crying.   "Holy shit.  Holy shit.  I did it.  I went through so much shit to get here and I killed it.  GO ME!"  I saw my athletic trainer immediately (well actually she saw me and grabbed me).  It was so cool to have someone I know to share that moment with.  I was still crying.  I was asking her how Kim was.  I was a tad delirious.  But boy was I fired up! I kept walking and as I did, the condition of my legs worsened.  I reminded myself that I needed to keep walking...that it would help.  I got my heat sheet and medal and miraculously bypassed the food bags.  I had so much power gel energy blasts in me that I felt like I could puke.  Not hungry.  I'm never not hungry, but at that moment I was not hungry.  A girl helped walk me to the bus to get my stuff after I cramped up a bit.  I needed to sit on the pavement.  Badly.  I tried but my legs hurt too much to even bend so I literally crab-walked myself to the ground as I opened my bag and read through all my supportive texts and Facebooks.  That was cool too.  Took my mind off how badly my legs felt.  I saw my dad's friend walk by and he said he tried catching me at mile 16 but I was moving too fast.  I got up in the same hilarious crab-walking way I sat down and started walking towards the hotel when I saw my father immediately.  That was awesome!!  Timing couldn't have been any more perfect.  He was proud of me and I was equally proud of him.  I knew that having seen him that close to my finish meant he must've killed it too...and he did - 3:27!!  That's amazing.  Most 62 year olds couldn't do that in their dreams.

Mile 13-14ish...little bit of a rough patch for me

We made it back to the Copley Marriott, helping a girl who's calves went out on her for quite some time, and went to shower.  At that point my biggest gripe was "how the hell am I going to walk tomorrow?"

After I got out of my super duper long shower and was just about dressed, I got a really weird text from Meredith.  "I am fine"  I was wondering what the hell she was talking about.  Then she texted the word "Bomb"  I still had no idea what she was talking about.  "Is she calling my performance 'the bomb'?"  Not a minute later does a runner come into the locker room and say "bombs went off at the finish line....they have closed the finish line down."  Holy shit.  I drop my stuff on the ground, run out and start screaming to my father.  "I haven't heard from Cynthia.  I don't know where she is."  I had been wondering where the heck she was, hoping that her hip didn't force her to bow out somewhere along the course.  I ran back into the locker room frantically trying to get a hold of her.  No luck.  I was hysterical.  Crying.  I needed a charger and I needed one fast at this point.  My battery life was at 2% and the texts, emails, FB's, phone calls and everything in between were flooding in.  For a while I couldn't get service.  I ran back out of the locker room with my stuff and head into the Prudential Mall attached to the Marriott.  All the stores were closed.  "What the heck?  This is weird."  I didn't put two and two together.  I was so frantic, that I couldn't put two and two together that stores were closing down and we were potentially not safe where we were.  Never crossed my mind at that point.  I just kept saying over and over through tears "I can't find Cynthia.  She has a four month old baby at home...I can't find Cynthia.  She has a four month old baby at home."  Neman Marcus was open so I went in there frantically repeating the same things over and over again.  They women behind the jewelry counter were so nice.  "Let us help you.  Do you need food?  Water?  Are you ok?"  I told them I needed a phone charger.  I looked around and said "What do you sell here?  Are there phone chargers?"  They didn't sell the chargers but they let me come back behind the jewelry counter and charge my phone.  One of the ladies got me an outside line and I kept calling Cynthia over and over.  I finally got her and felt relief like you couldn't believe.  I told her to stay right where she was and that I was coming to get her.  I thanked the women and ran out of the store.  I ran down the stairs.  Granted I was running sideways because my legs were so messed up but it's crazy what fear can do to you when you think you can't move anymore.  Just ask Cynthia who passed by and a minute and 24 seconds later heard the bomb and turned around to see bomb #2 explode.  She was limping and told me that she ran another 2 miles just trying to get the hell out of there.  We joked later that she actually ran an ultra-marathon that day.  But in all seriousness, thankfully she was ok.  I bought a charger at the hotel convenient store and we headed upstairs.  Cynthia went to shower and I went to the Wamps room.  As soon as the elevator opened, many of the Wamps were in the lobby.  One of the leaders had a piece of paper in his hand.  He was checking off people as they were found.  Making sure the group was all accounted for.  If that isn't horrific to live through!!!  I made a loud announcement "I found Cynthia" and everyone cheered.

Cynthia!

I immediately sat down in the room to charge my phone and to get back to the 100's (literally) of texts and such.  Made sure mom and my sister knew we were ok first.  Then it dawned on me...Meredith may still be out there.  Holy shit.  So I called her and told her to get to the hotel.  She had already hitched a ride with a stranger out of town.  Told me her battery life was too low and that we'd talk later.  I knew she was safe.  Kind of.  When we talked later that evening, I found out that she was in the restaurant RIGHT WHERE THE BOMB WENT OFF.  She happened to go in for a bite to eat after Cynthia and I passed by.  I don't even want to think about what might have been...Sadly, Meredith witnessed some gruesome sights and had to put on her RI State Trooper hat (figuratively this time) and handle several situations.  Just awful.

We were on lockdown in the Marriott for about another hour or so.  Nobody was allowed to leave the building.  Joe, our bus driver, was somewhere outside but we could not get to the bus.  Once we finally got clearance to get the heck out of there we did.  Can you believe that on our walk to the bus, we saw a girl who had finished the marathon and had been wandering the streets for THREE HOURS trying to find her friend who she said was on Stuart Street and could not stand up.  She was frozen to the bone.  One of our runners gave her a coat.  The streets were lined with ambulances, police car, fire trucks, etc.  A very eery sight.  We all got back on the bus and headed out of town.  I thought there would be gridlock on the highways but believe it or not, the ride back to Attleboro was traffic free.  On the ride back Cynthia and I whispered things like "are we allowed to talk about our race?"  It seemed so inappropriate to do so.  But we did quietly reminisce about the days events and how wonderful most of it had been.  Deeper into the commute back we found out that the woman in front of us was at mile 25.64 when she was taken off the course.  While she is glad she is alive, how sad is that?  Amongst the horrifying tragedies, there were some really sad events like that.  Wouldn't you know it would have been a 34 minute PR for her too.  Just a shame.  We had one other guy on the bus taken off the course at mile 25 who came back to the hotel in a garbage bag to keep warm.  How fucking sad is that?  He should have come back with a heat sheet and a medal around his neck and instead he comes back wrapped in a garbage bag.

Not the way Patriots Day and Marathon Monday is supposed to go.

Many of us went to a pub in Wrentham for dinner.  It was a nice evening.  And for the time being everything seemed to be ok.  Cynthia and I even stopped at Dairy Queen for our "fat kid" desert.  It wasn't until the next day and now days after that the shit hit the fan for all of us.  We were all emotional wrecks.  Every single one of my runner friends had the same shocked and delayed reaction I did.  We would check in on one another only to get the same answers.  "How you doing?"  "Not great emotionally.  This is affecting me so much more than I thought last night."  All of us spoke about how we'd break into tears for one reason or another.  Just terrible.

I am thrilled that suspect #2, dzdkakdfjafjdakddiedakd or whatever the fuck his name is, has been caught.  Great work by the Boston, Watertown, and MBTA police as well as the FBI and how about the man who checked on his boat??  Holy cow.  In a moment that I thought the jackass got away, that news was unreal.  I have been glued to CNN and the like since last week.  It will be an interesting trial to follow.  At first I wanted his ass killed but now, I just want to make sure he does not go down as a martyr.  There is alot of anger in me regarding that monster.

Today I ran 11 miles - I dedicated each of the last four to something.  Mile 8 was for Krystle (age 29), Mile 9 for Lingzi (age 23), Mile 10 for Richard (age 8), and Mile 11 for Sean Collier, all the police, FBI and public officials as well as all those affected in any way by this awful tragedy.  I am so very sorry for anyone who was affected in any way by this horrific event.

I cannot WAIT for Boston 2014.  It is going to be one amazing event....See you in Hopkinton!!

Don't Tell Me I Can't

Over the last six months, I have battled through two pretty major setbacks - a stress fracture first to my tibia and then multiple stress fractures in one shot to my heel.  My training was sidelined for 13 unlucky weeks while I healed up, all the while cross training my head off.  I have kept a log of nearly every calorie that I have put in my body...the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I have logged every minute of every training session I completed.  I have gained a little weight back.  When I couldn't run, I did everything else in my power to stay fit.  I walked.  I swam.  I ran in the pool.  I ran in the pool some more.  For hours.  And hours.  I did the elliptical for some more hours.  I rode the bike when I couldn't do much else with my heel.  Then I progressed to the Alter G treadmill. And I ran on the Alter G as many times as I could get my hands/legs on it.  I watched $40 an hour add up really fast and my bank account take a nice little hit on a treadmill.  I spent three times a week faithfully working on my core.  I spent at least twice a week lifting in some fashion to get stronger.  There was a time I lost faith.  Three days later after the pity party ended I gained it back.  I believed.  I stayed positive.  I kept it light. I wore a boot for 4 weeks.  I used and still continue to use a bone stimulator.  I have lived in doctors offices.  I have slept 7-9 hours a night just about every night.  I have maintained a relatively healthy diet and a VERY hearty appetite.  I managed to get in several long runs in the gaps between injuries, some as many as 21 and 22 miles.  I stupidly ran 100 miles three weeks ago out of desperation to get ready for the race the week I was cleared to run on my heel.  I tweaked a tendon in my shin again.  I have since listened to every piece of advice from the doctor and from our cross country coach, Jim Hurt.  I have rested more in the last few weeks without stress than I ever have as a runner.  I have changed my outlook and perspective to one of "I have done enough to be successful...and because I am a competitor I will be" thanks to Coach Hurt and I couldn't feel more confident and relaxed.  I am going into this race more mentally calm and prepared than any I can think of.  I did a tiny pyramid speed workout for my psyche the other day to prove to myself that I wasn't hideous.  For the love of _ _ _ /_ _ _ _ I was just fine.  Ran a mile in 6:16.  Followed it up with an 800 in 3:03, a 400 in 79 seconds and a 200 in 34 seconds.

On April 15, 2013 thanks to many, many people, my sheer will, my faith, my perseverance, my determination, my belief in myself, and my relentlessly positive attitude, I will run the Boston Marathon.  Fuck.Yeah.

Timeline of Determination

February 2, 2013 - I was stretching after doing a plyo/lifting workout (the evening before I was going to run 12 and race 4 miles in the park) and felt something "off" in my achilles area.  Dismissed it as a "niggle".  This "niggle" continued for 18 more days.

February 3, 2013 - About a month post tibial stress fracture (that sidelined me for 8 weeks), and a week after racing a half marathon to test my fitness, I ran the 4-miler Gridiron race in 26:59 (after doing a 12 mile run pre-race "warm-up"...can we say "injury in the making and "no wonder you are hurt?")

February 4, 2013 - 20 mile long run

February 7, 2013 - After the achilles/heel bothering me all week I took the day off from running to give it some rest

February 8, 2013 -  One day is enough rest!  16.5 mile run in North Carolina.  Dealt with pain the next few days.

February 11, 2013 - Thinking my injury may have simply been achilles tendonitis and knowing I could run through it, did 21 miles.  This was the beginning of the end.  I was limping for the next two days.  Badly.

February 12, 2013 - Our ATC examines it and thinks it is most definitely the heel bone.  I wanted so badly for there to be some ligaments where he was pressing, but learned that no-siree.  It was bone.  Started freaking out.  How could I have another stress fracture in the same leg just over a month of getting over the other one?  No way.  Unreal.  Unlucky.  BOSTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

February 15, 2013 - After a few more days of "rest" from running, I set out to run 12 and after 3.5 I had to bag it.  I started to come to accept that something was really wrong.

February 19, 2013 - I see podiatrist Dr. Minara who works in a great sports podiatry practice (the head guy over there was the podiatrist for NYRR) and treats athletes.   I get an X-Ray.  The stress fracture pops up on the x-ray...or so he thinks.  Not good.  Typically x-rays don't show stress fractures.  WTH.  Minara is one of the best doctors I've seen here in NYC.  He cares.  Sincerely.  He proceeds to order me an MRI to r/o the sfx.  Oh god please don't be a stress fracture...That would be a devastating blow.

February 20, 2013 - Wasting no time I am in to get an MRI at 7am just hours after Dr. Minara gave me a script to go.  If I'm broken I need to take immediate action to fix it!

February 20, 2013 (later that day) - I call the MRI place not once, but SIX times to ensure that all my diagnostic results are sent to my doctor, myself, our trainer and another doctor who treats me.  Dr. Minara calls to inform me of the awful news I already received via the faxed results that I too requested.  I cried.  Heavily.  And for a long time. I called Cynthia and told her I wouldn't be running Boston.  Then I cried some more.

February 22, 2013 - I go see Dr. Minara for a follow up.  I have now been off the heel for 7 days and I am actually pain free.  At 10am on this day, I have a glimpse of hope...maybe, just maybe, I can get my ass ready for Boston.  In fact, I can!!  Come hell or high water I WILL be running.  And that's when the jokes of Cynthia running in a tutu and me in a Gumby suit begin!  Too funny.

Am given a walking boot.  I am to wear this everyday for 3-4 weeks.  I buck the idea at first and give in eventually.  I was told by many that it would help the heel heal faster.  Ok, I will wear the stupid boot.  He also put in a script for a bone stimulator...the best on the market.  I couldn't get it in time before my trip but I made sure to have it Fed-Exed to my hotel in California.  I was relentless about that process too.  Lots of phone calls to insurance company who initially approved and then subsequently denied my claim for the device.  Thankfully I am going through the appeal process now and have my doctor and the company behind me saying how much I need it.  In the meantime, I will use this thing to the hilt!

February 26, 2013 - THE BONE STIMULATOR ARRIVES!

This is essentially the gist of my world the last month or so...

- I have been pain free for 37 days now.
- I wore the boot for 23 straight days and then for a few more days whenever I was on my feet coaching or practicing (so 26 days so far and I will do more if I have to)
- I have used the bone stimulator for 26 days straight for 9-10 hours EVERY DAY!
- I have not run on the heel at 100% for 37 days (ENTER ALTER G!  THAT THING HAS BEEN A LIFE SAVER AND A TRAINING SAVER AND HAS BROKEN MY BANK, EVERY PENNY OF IT WORTH IT)
- Ran 13 miles on the Alter G the week of March 4, 2013 between 60-65% of my body weight
- Ran 38.5 mils on the Alter G the week of March 11 between 60-75% of my body weight
- Ran 54.5 miles on the Alter G the week of March 18 between 80-93% of my body weight (including a 22-miler!)
- Today, March 25, 2013 I ran 17 PAIN FREE miles at 93% of my body weight.  I was essentially told by the PT's at Finish Line that after 85% you really weren't doing much different in the pounding department.  HOLY SHIT I AM GOING TO BE READY!!!!!!
- Dr. Minara canceled my appointment this morning because of an "emergency surgery".  You want to see a 38-year adult throw a temper tantrum?  Come see me when I have a critical appointment canceled.  I threw my iphone in a rage of fury.  HE WAS SUPPOSED TO CLEAR ME TO RUN TODAY!
- It took me 6 hours to cool down from this...I have an appointment at 9:30am tomorrow and will hopefully get clearance tomorrow.
- I needed to run 10-12 tomorrow so I have decided to take it upon my own free will to do it in Central Park before I get clearance.  If I feel pain, I'll stop.  But this week is important for me in terms of my training and I gotta do what I gotta do.  Up to this point I have done everything the doctor said but he didn't see me today and that is throwing my schedule off into a tizzy.  I begged the receptionist if I could go to wherever he is.  It was a pathetic conversation.  "I will go where he is.  Please?"  "Amy he is in the hospital all day in surgery?"  "Please?  I will go and wait for him to get out."  "I'm sorry, that isn't going to happen."  Tears and fury.  "Hell hath no fury like a woman whose doctor appointment has been canceled due to an emergency surgery."

Someone better have a foot falling off ;-)  Ok, kidding...partially.

Folks, on April 15, 2013 I will be running the Boston Marathon!  I HAVE BEEN CLEARED!  See you in Hopkinton and in Boston and in every town in between!!

Once I got my entire hope back, this has been what I wake up to every day!  My training program with a little motivation above it.

No goal time yet.  In fact, I may not even have a goal time.  I am just going to do the best I can.  Click "LIKE" if you DO NOT believe that ;-)

Shipping up to Boston!

Who isn't sitting on the edge of their seats waiting for an Amy Kvilhaug blog update?  ;-)

Where to start...We are in the midst of softball season, about one week away from Big East play.  I thought marathon training would be much more difficult than it has been during this time of year, but then again I am still on the partially injured reserve list so that makes it a bit different...but to be honest, I think it actually makes it more challenging because I am at the will of PT places, gyms, and pools to be open and available as opposed to my running when I can do it anytime, anyplace.

Back to softball...I'm sitting on the bus and we are en route to GW for a tournament down in DC.  We are about as injured as I've ever seen a team be injured before.  We are struggling BIG time in the results column because we just don't have healthy bodies.  My two best hitters are out.  My top hitter has been out for 8 games now.  I've had anywhere from 3-5 starters out of my lineup for quite some time and we just can't absorb it.  The light at the end of the tunnel is that we should all be ready to go by next weekend...Just in time for Pittsburgh.  And we are 0-0 in the Big East.  It's a whole new season for us.  Things can only go up.  We had a meeting on the bus to discuss different ways we are going to try to manufacture runs and make things happen this way.  I have even decided to give the reins of coaching third to my assistant.  I want to be in the dugout with the pitchers and it can't hurt to change things up so onto the bench I go!  It's been a challenging road for us this season thus far but one of my favorite quotes is "The only way out is through" and I rely on that often.

I just finished reading the Stieg Larsson trilogy (Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Girl that played with fire and Girl that kicked the hornets nest) and I LOVED every bit of it  Such good reads.  I couldn't put the books down.  I read every chance I got (they are sooo long but soo good).  Highly recommend it if you have an appreciation for dark, mysterious stories.  I totally got wrapped up in the main character, Lisbeth Salander.  I am sad it's over.  And there will never be more since Larsson passed away recently.

Ok, now onto discussion about my beloved training...I want to marry training.  I recently read a blog about a professional triathlete in NorCal named Caroline Greggory who I can totally relate to about discipline, hard work, desire, and what it really takes to consistently train and be successful (lots of limits on all things that can be distractions).  Distractions and deviations are presented everywhere.  Many people think an unbalanced life can be destructive.  Caroline actually feels that way - she is also a lawyer!  That's crazy.  I think that at some point though, if you want to be good at something you need to dedicate most, if not all of your time to the cause.  If you are ok with dabbling in many things and not perfecting any one thing than a balanced life is great for you.  Just not really my way.  I like to throw all my eggs into 1 or 2 baskets.  Maybe three but even that's pushing it.

I have finally been able to do some form of training that I feel is completely relevant to getting back to run Boston (now 4 weeks away).  Enter the Alter G.  Last week I ran about 40 miles in four days including a 16.5 mile run on Monday at between 60-70% of my weight. After seeing the doctor, Dr. Minara who by the way has been the best doctor that I have seen in a LONG time, we have devised a plan for me getting back and running.  He is still a little skeptical about me running Boston and needs me to be honest with myself in a few weeks but he thinks I am healing up quicker than he expected and we are going to continue to closely monitor things.  I tell you what....injuries are breaking the bank for me.  Every time I use the Alter G it's $40 for the hour and that can add up when you are running 4-5 times a week, sometimes for 2 hours at a time.  Eeek.  But I LOVE the thing and would rather spend my money on that than on anything else right now.  For those of you who don't know what the Alter G is, it is a treadmill that was designed by someone at NASA that allows you to run at anywhere from 20-100% of your body weight. It is an amazing device that can be found in PT offices or at select gyms.  Here is a picture of it to give you an idea of what it looks like:

Essentially you put on these compression type shorts with a round skirt thing around the waist that has a zipper on it.  You zip yourself into the chamber of the treadmill and press start.  The machine will calibrate your weight and when it is done, you can adjust what percentage of your weight you would like to run on.  You can also adjust the speed - because you are running on a lower percentage of your body weight you are able to fly on the machine.  I was doing a tempo run at 75% of my body weight at a 5:45 pace.  The cool thing is that you are actually turning your legs over and working the exact muscles you need to be working for running.  I am in the process of working out the soreness now so that when in two weeks when I start to pound the pavement again, I will be ready to rock and roll.  Doctor thinks that next week I can bump up to 80-85% of my body weight and if I feel ok, the week after I will be back running.  We are nearing the 4 week mark of the injury.  I have faithfully worn my boot everyday as well as have had the bone stimulator on me for 9-10 hours a day.  In fact I am on the bus with the stimulator on right now.  Going on 2 hours now :-)  I have followed his plan to a tee...well...ok, I cheated on the alter G going at a higher percentage than he initially said but I told him and since I felt no pain he was ok with it.  The thing I have to be careful about is that the heel is constructed like an egg.  The shell is tough to break but if you do, you are dealing with soft bone and bony tissue inside which can lead to a serious injury if you annihilate the thing.  Like we're talking never running again type stuff.  So I will keep that in mind as I proceed forward but I have been pain free for weeks now.

Alright, I'm starting to get motion sickness on this bus in the Maryland/DC traffic.  I need to shut it down.

I have qualified for and am running the Boston Marathon.  That's pretty cool :)  No expectations for me.  I want to do well, yes but being realistic I will just enjoy the ride!

I can't believe that I will be running the marathon with my father - I am so excited.  I am also pretty excited that my very good friend Cynthia will be coming out from AZ to run it with me too.  We will be bunking up in Providence!  She always seems to come out at the right time in my life and whenever we are together I laugh endlessly.  She has such a positive outlook on life and is so easy to talk to.  She and I have been joking about how horrible we are going to be and how badly we are going to die.  She claims she will run in a tutu and I said I'd dress up as Gumby.  Silly girls.  But so so funny.

I hope my family and friends from up there are able to make a day of it and cheer us all on.

We're shipping up to Boston!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-64CaD8GXw

Timing is everything

Anytime something goes wrong, I want so badly to resort to some manual that will explain the how to's so that I can get back on track.  We just lost a really bad game today and as a coach that can be tough to swallow.  It's days like this that I look inward and ask myself the question "Am I doing something wrong?"  It's funny how when we win, I don't ask the question "Am I doing everything right?"  It's such human nature to put all your energy into the negative.  To dwell and stew and feel crappy.  For me, I always seem to dwell longer and feel worse after losses than reveling in joy and feeling good after wins.  That is a problem for me.  I am definitely a glass half empty by nature kind of girl who is a glass half full wannabe.

We are going to be just fine as a team - I have a very good pitcher who just hasn't gotten much run support and it's a shame.  We have some really good hitters in the middle of our lineup.  For some reason we just can't seem to put the pieces all together...We pitch a good game and we don't hit...we hit and our defense makes some bad plays or we hit and we can't pitch.  Our timing is off more times than not resulting in losing some games we have had no business losing.  Everything in life is about timing right?

On another note, I think I have a shot at running Boston in 7 weeks, albeit non-competitively.  I saw the doctor on Friday of last week.  I was given a walking boot (which I have been wearing faithfully including in games where I am able to run with it on...I love running in my boot!) and a bone stimulator (which is being shipped to me in California tonight).  It has been 10 days since I have last run.  After just 6 days of no running, my heel no longer felt pain.  I realize I have a long way to go and that a bone takes 4-6 weeks to heal but if I can get this sucker healed in four weeks, I could progress back to running to the point where I can run the marathon even if it is more for just the experience.  This stress fracture has been so different than my tibia.  It took 3-4 weeks for me to feel no pain in my tibia and like I said, just 6 days for the heel.  I actually emailed my doctor to ask him if he actually saw the films of the MRI because sometimes radiologists make incorrect reads.  He hadn't and will this week so perhaps it will be different.  Even if not, I still think I have time to make it back.

How hilarious is this prescription?

My boot

I have been riding the bike, swimming and running in the pool.  I was told no elliptical to stay off the heel.  Today I ran for 2 hours in the hotel pool.  I got myself a cheapie transistor radio and it has been my savior on this trip since I didn't bring my waterproof headphones and ipod case figuring there was no way the pool would be deep enough.  Surprise! It was 5 1/2 feet deep - just deep enough for me to legitimately run in the water.  Running in the water can be excruciatingly and painfully mentally challenging so if you have the radio to keep you going, it helps.  At least I think so.

San Jose is a nice town.  I actually like NorCal.  I would describe the weather as "perfect running weather"  Sunny and 50's and 60's.  May dip into the 40's at night but that is still good running weather.  I am still convinced that running in the 10 degree temps back in NYC contributed to this heel issue.

View from our hotel in San Jose, CA (well actually in Mipitas, CA to be exact)

I really need to cut down on my caloric intake.  I have been really sloppy with my eating.  I am not eating deserts or anything like that but I am eating ALOT of everything else.  I am a bottomless pit.  It's sick how much I eat.  I am just always hungry and I just want my body to be comfortable as I heal so I allow myself to eat.  I have strayed a little too much for my liking from Paleo.  I eat some processed carbs (i.e. granola, dried fruit, all kinds of sauces, pretzels, wheat thins, and occasional bread) and I am actually afraid to step on the scale.  No joke.  I know I have put on weight.  You may not be able to tell by looking at me...or maybe you can.  These injuries are killing me on so many levels.  I just want to go through a full training cycle without enduring an injury.  I want to see what my capabilities are if I could just do that.  I am tired of piecing it all together and hoping for the best at the starting line.

My father gave me great advice today..."Alot of people will tell you don't run, don't push through, etc.  Just see how you feel in a few weeks but I think you can do it."  It is pretty true though.  All runners have an opinion when someone is injured and what they really need to understand is that everyone is different.  I won't run Boston if I'm going to hurt myself worse but I am definitely going to try to get to the starting line.


Heard this song tonight...one of my favorites.  "Something always brings me back to you...it never takes too long."

I haven't heard from Sara Bareilles in quite some time.  I watched her perform live before she "made it"  The first time I saw her was in Boston in 2007 when Taylor and I drove up in a snow storm to see what I referred to as "one of her singers".  She always did love live music and was a fan of some pretty obscure artists.  I always teasingly bashed them and when I heard SB, I looked at her and said "Well if any of your singers make it, this will be the one."  SB's sense of fashion was interesting.  She had on a black and white polka dot jumper with a white turtleneck on while she performed in Boston.  Remember jumpers?  Ha.  I was able to see her in the winter of 2008 again at a quaint wine bar in the city and she was awesome.  Played the piano and sang.  I reiterated that if someone was to make it, she would be it.  Wouldn't you know that in 2009 she appeared on the Today Show after signing her record label!  Love song...it was actually about the fact that she wasn't going to write a song for any label that she didn't stand behind entirely.  "I'm not gonna write you a love song cause you asked for it..cause you need one..."

Anyway, enjoy....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_U6iSAn_fY

No title.

I don't claim to be different than any other athlete who is committed and who desires to train and compete at a high level, but I have definitely acquired a mental and physical tolerance that I would deem operative at a very high threshold....almost to the point where I don't know when too much is too much.  Those instincts either haven't set in or are just gone.  I have always had the mentality that rest is the equivalent of weakness and laziness...and that idea has blossomed into a life of its own.  Both mentally and physically.  Who else in the world can stare at a pool wall for 3 hours while running in place or run consecutive 20+ milers on an f'ed up heel?  Those who can compete at a high level and who desire that kind of thing...but very few exist.  At least I haven't met them.  Sally Meyerhoff.  She could move mountains.  That woman was more disciplined and driven than me.  And that is no joke.  One of the saddest things about her death was that after I could finally watch someone extremely talented who did things, in my opinion, the right way...the only way, she was gone.  RIP my friend.  I still think of you every day.

Albert Einstein defines insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  I really need to figure out something different.

Despite some small and some not so small changes in my routine, lifestyle and diet, I have managed to sideline myself again...After working my ass off to come back and run a competitive Boston Marathon, I have found a way to injure myself again and there will be no Boston Marathon for me in 2013.  Good thing I have already qualified for 2014.  Look at that - me finding the silver lining in a dark cloud.

"Stress fracture of the calcaneus posteriorly and superiorly.  Reactive retrocalcaneal bursitis, partial thickness tear of the anterior talofibular ligament, tenosynovitis of the flexor hallucis and flexor digtorum longus tendon as well as the peroneal tendons, and muscular strain of the extensor digitorum longus tendons at the musculotendinous junction," read my MRI report yesterday.

I read it and felt no emotion.  And then I was just flat out confused.  "How the hell did I do all that damage?  I just ran 21 miles last Monday on it and well, it hurt, but..."

I will be placed in a walking boot...Really??  I am walking fine.  In fact just before I got the results I was thinking "I should be good to go in about five days"

I will get a bone stimulator and am allowed to do non-weight bearing cardio.  So that's what I'll do.

I have been having thoughts that I am probably a better triathlete than a runner so maybe that's my calling.  I like things I am good at and I enjoy having success so who knows.  I told myself I wasn't going to dabble in tri's until my mid-40's but maybe I should give it a whirl now.  It will take some strain off my body for sure but I just don't know if this is what I really want.

Once I start to get a little more healthy, it has been suggested that I go in for osteoporosis screening.  If I"m going to have to deal with that, I could have at least had years where I didn't have to deal with my period which is often a reason it happens (I'm kidding...partially...completely understand the unhealthiness of women runners who don't get their period - periods just always seemed so awfully pointless to me, especially never really wanting to have children and such).

I am in a really weird state of mind now.  Almost like an emptiness feeling.  I feel lost.  But my competitive instincts kicked in and I am scheming for a comeback plan.  I won't quit.  I can't.  It's not in my nature.

Down, but not out.